Spring

Its an absolutely gorgeous day outside, reminding me that spring will be here soon. Its the kind of weather that makes everything feel possible and alive and fresh. Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." The sunshine and promise of new life and growth comfort me and heal me.

Since this is my online journal keeping of my family and the life we enjoy together, I feel like I should write one entry about the baby that we thought would join us in the fall. At about 10 weeks of pregnancy and not knowing anything was wrong, Daniel and I had already made room in our minds and hearts for having a family of five. Allowing ourselves to be in the position of more sleepless nights, more controlled chaos, and more activity than we thought we might be able to sensibly manage was a conscious decision to be in a situation that would require us to completely depend on God. I did not imagine that I would still be asked to completely depend on God and trust Him with this situation in a different way than I expected. I saw the baby on the ultrasound at that first doctor's visit, and the baby did not have a heartbeat. So having ended in miscarriage, I don't have a picture to post of this child. But I want to write about it here to acknowledge this event in our family's life.

I have had 3 miscarriages over the past 4 years. The first two happened almost right after finding out I was pregnant. This third miscarriage has been more difficult because of the plans and hopes I already had for this child as I neared the end of the first trimester. And because this is my third miscarriage. Its a lot to process and work through. I find a lot of comfort in knowing the stories of other friends who have suffered this way.

So there have been lots of different emotions and I know I will continue to have these conversations with God for a long time. But I have been thankful to know peace during these days. Right away, God showed me Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit." I have been overwhelmed by God's compassion and lovingkindness expressed to me through friends and families words, flowers, gifts, hugs and prayers. I have experienced the powerful and effective prayers of righteous friends and loved ones (James 5:16) this past week. All of the generous offers from people to help out in any way they can have been so beautiful and comforting.

Which brings me back to spring. The flowers that I have received over the past week have been very powerful and present reminders of God's promises. The pink lilies on my dining room table tell me that God will take care of me, as he talks about in Matthew chapter 6. I feel ready to move on, ready for this new season. The same way this gorgeous weather today makes me feel alive, I feel a newness in the joy that my marriage to Daniel and being the mom to Evan and Liam bring. So my tears are almost always a mixture of sadness and joy at the same time these days, already seeing God's promise of Jeremiah 31:13 to turn mourning into gladness and giving comfort and joy rather than sorrow.

Psalm 118:23 " This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes."

(thanks to my friend Abby Neff for these fabulous photos. She is venturing into a new photography business and took these photos of our family in the fall.)